HELLO MY LOVES!!!I have missed you so!! I’ve made a full recovery and am good, if not better, than new!! In my spare time, in which I wasn’t supposed to be doing anything… yeah right :)… ummm HELLO.. It’s ME!! I have made several keen observations that I have to share with you.
1. I’m human and I must start acting as such. Therefore I cannot and will not try to do everything any longer. It totally drains me and wreaks havoc on my body.
2. Money is not everything. My time at home recovery has allowed me to do something I was never able to do… be home with my children and enjoy them! Yes, things are a bit tighter, but I have found ways to work within that.
3. This isn’t new for me, but must be re-stated.. ANYTHING is do-able, you just have to look at it from a different angle.
4. My ADD can be controlled…if I calm the fuck down.
5. Even though I HATE to do it, I can relinquish control. It is good for me. My home won’t fall apart ( It may look it, for about a hour). Clear instructions are the key here.. and it still allows me to be in somewhat control.
6. I can not expect others to know what I want or need for them to do without asking. This goes with all forms. Relationships, kids, business.
7. Ask for what you want with utmost clarity! Dumb it down to its simplest form if you have to. the worst outcome is a No.. and, if you have thought out your request and presented it correctly.. mostly you will get a Yes.
8. Trust in your gut! I’ve said it a million times before, but seriously. If it is right… it will happen easily. Your time line may not line up with what you are wanting but, believe you me!! Your it, whatever that may be ..will happen!! Keep your Faith.
9. Relaxing is really nice! There is some very funny Television! Books are great, and Pintrest is the devil!
10. You can’t recover from anything if you are always on the go. Take time. Sit still. Find peace..
11. Forgive…Forgive…Forgive. It’s life… we all make mistakes. Even though you don’t know it yet, those mistakes or unanswered prayers are guiding you to where you are meant to be.
12. The journey.. well it’s a journey. It’s a lot of struggles and heartaches. However, the goal that you are after.. the job, the career, the relationship… you know you can have it! Trust in yourself. Don’t ever settle, because everything you have ever dreamed you can have… well it is possible!!
I’m Back!! And better than before!! Keep logging in for daily changes and new events, topics and all things possible!! Major BIG changes going down!!!
In Peace, Love, and super Fabulousness!!!
Just wanted to fill you in… No, I haven’t jumped off the edge of the Earth, and no I haven’t succumbed to a mundane boring life. Actually some great changes are occurring and I can’t wait to tell you all about them! Get prepared for some really good and hot new topics coming along! Creative juices are flowing like crazy around here!!
I have gotten some help and with the assistance of an AHH-Mazing psychologist and some good old RX help. I now have FOCUS!! Come to find out that I’m NOT shit assed crazy! I was right. I have WICKED over the top ADD that has been almost incapacitated. Go figure, I’m human and the past couple of years have been fun, but have been rough! Now I will admit, changes are still in the constructive phase, and I am having some adjustment periods, but so far its great! The constant chatter in my head has subsided and I can actually RELAX!
From this relaxation and some awesome inspiring help from my Goddess Gurus… I am more focused on my purpose and what i want to say to you. I am revamping my topics, and my message. I want to make sure that I am giving y’all every important lesson I can. I have vowed to always give you my thoughts with 100% truth and sass. I vowed to give you what no one else could give to me…Truth with humour, purposeful insight, and Kick ass motivation! I want to continue to say what no one else has dared to say before, to say what you, my readers, LOVE to hear on a much more regular consistent basis!
So doll please, grin and bear with me . Contact me! You can find me on Facebook (Starting over keeping it Real), On Twitter (srtnewkepitreal)… and via email @ firstname.lastname@example.org Let me know what is on your mind, and what you want to hear about. I promise that they will be worth your wait!! I also promise not to keep you waiting much longer. In fact i have a new EXTREMELY HOT article I am working on now!! Cross my heart!
Muah! Thank you darlin!!…
You’re out, rocking the night and Bam!!!… Numbers have been exchanged and flirtation has commenced. Game ON, baby!
There is nothing more fun and exhilarating than the flirty dance of texting with a new fella. It is an adrenaline rush, it is ambiguous and daring! He texts, then you text, it gets flirty, you ask questions, he answers.
And then the conversation becomes a bit more serious, but he doesn’t know it… so he doesn’t answer like you want him to, or you have misunderstood something he has written. And instead of asking for clarification, your feelings get hurt, and then you’re pissed. Your guy is sitting home going “WTF???!” What happened??? Or it could be that you just aren’t getting the type of responses you want. You know… those one liners that really don’t say anything, just keep you hanging.
One of my close girl friends has been going through the ringer lately with a certain guy via text, and it got me thinking: Do girls really know what they’re doing when texting guys? Do you know the line between a ‘casual flirty text’ and ‘that’s just plain weird and stalker like’ ?
First off, let me put this out there… Yes, I appreciate the flirtation and fun of texting. But in NO way do I feel that communication should only exist via text. Call me old fashioned but I would much rather just speak on the phone. You simply cannot judge emotion or sub content via text, heck; it’s hard enough to know really what a guy is thinking, much less try to decipher it via text!
Frankly speaking, if a guy cannot put in the work to actually call, there is probably a reason… typically which is being married or otherwise involved in a relationship, or he just is not interested in you and is playing games (those one liners to keep you hanging). There is just no accurate way to read emotional clues which come from vocal pitch changes and drawn out words, or even laughter via text. What you are hearing in your own head doesn’t come through via text no matter how hard you try. I have used text in the beginnings of a relationship as a “flirtation device” but if I need to talk about a situation or ask a direct question, I will pick up the phone, or even better, meet face to face. In Laurie rules, once a relationship has started, texting really is meant for simple communication and light flirting throughout the day.
That being said; here are some basic rules on “How to text so you are NOT perceived as a total Wack JOB”
1. Text Frequency
I think of texting just like phone calls. The basic rules of real life and politeness still apply. Do you want him thinking your life consists of you waiting for him to call? NO!! You wouldn’t call him every time you thought of him, and you wouldn’t want him to do the same, that would be just plain weird. Therefore, you shouldn’t be texting him all day. Seriously, you have better things to do! Men will say the most attractive thing about the game of flirtation is the chase. I mean, let be real; men like a challenge. They are hunters. So, make him wonder a bit. Even if you are waiting on the edge of your seat for him, play a little hard to get. Let him know you’re interested but don’t be too accessible, make him wonder and work at it a little.
So how often should you be texting him? Here’s the real talk… Text a guy enough so he’ll think of you, but not too much. If he slacks off, then don’t be offended, he has stuff going on. Don’t you! Go about your day without another thought. Every now and then it’s okay to respond immediately, since we spend most of our day on our phones anyway, but consider spacing your responses out a bit so you don’t look desperate. You just don’t want to reply to every text immediately, nor would you want him to. Give the guy a chance to make their moves. Look, by nature men are slower at communication. Most of the time it takes them a while, so sit back and chill… let your words simmer and allow him to respond. This is a “flirtation device” remember.
We text so much, that it can become substitute for a real personal connection. I personally would rather hear my man’s sexy voice instead of texts anytime. However, the dutiful “hey babe… want to go to lunch” or “thinking of you” is perfectly acceptable and very welcome. Texting should be considered an extension of how we present ourselves in face-to-face interactions. Again, think of texting like a “flirtation device” for simple conversations only. Use punctuation, spell things correctly, and don’t rely on an overabundance of emoticons to translate how you’re feeling, or you’ll look like a teenager. And for fucks sake, DoN’t TeXt HiM LiKe tHiS. Don’t over use LOL and don’t ever text in all caps. Wtf? Really?!
Texting tip: There’s no need to write novel length texts, shorten words where abbreviations apply, but not things like “U” for you. If you plan on writing something that is lengthily and deep, and you feel you simply can’t talk in person or over the phone, use email. Keep in mind that there is no difference of the text version of sounding like an idiot and the written or spoken word. You’re going to sound the same either way. Choose your words and thoughts wisely and give yourself an edge. Sound like you are thinking before you text him, even if you aren’t.
3. Give Him a Chance to Respond
Like I said before, men are slow. Most of the time he won’t be sitting around waiting for a text from you. Texting someone a crap load of follow-ups to a text is the equivalent of screaming in someone’s face until they respond. It’s juvenile and is not attractive on any level. You may get a response out, but most likely the result, is going to be far from what you were hoping for. Just because your message was sent – and maybe read – doesn’t mean he has to respond right away. Maybe he is driving. Maybe he is working and is focused (come on ladies, we know men can’t do two things at once, especially when it comes to communication!) People have meetings. People fall asleep. Hey he may have a visitor (yep, I went there!). Just because you are waiting for his immediate response, does not mean he is sitting there doing the same. Sorry, ladies… That’s real. Sending 10 aggressive texts to make sure he got what you dished out makes you look like shit assed crazy! He won’t respect you and he 100 times more likely to starting running in the other direction. Look, If he doesn’t respond, then carry on with your day. Look, if he can’t be bothered to respond, do you really want him anyway? If you were standing in front of him and he ignored you, how would you react? I seriously doubt that you would keep on pushing. Wait for his response politely, just as if you were sitting in front of him and if he doesn’t respond be a lady and walk away and don’t look back. You will get a much more important point across with silence.
4. Getting deep?
Don’t ask crazy weighted questions or make heavy statements via text. If you are unsure if you are getting too deep via text, STOP!! Think about how you are reacting. If you are asking questions or making statements that make you want to cut your wrist for every minute that goes by that he doesn’t respond, it is too deep. Stop! Step back away from the phone! Remember, you are a respectable woman; act like you would if you were in front of him. You wouldn’t let your inner insecurities out in front of him, so don’t do it via text. If something is that important, pick up the phone or better yet, talk to him face to face!!
5. Read Receipt or Not to Read Receipt??
Turning on read receipt, which shows the exact time stamp a text has been read, comes with immense power that can be used or abused. If you leave it on, be mindful of your response time and only use it as a control mechanism to a small number of situations. You know, for those instances where you WANT to drive him mad wondering if you got his message or what your response is. Acknowledge the fact you’ve read the message. For example, when you respond, and it was important, make sure to say something like, “Sorry! I was in a meeting,” or say, “I was driving and couldn’t respond, but the answer is definitely yes!” If he has it on, please refer to tip #3.
6. Drunk texting…
Just don’t do it! Seriously ladies, this is very seldom a good idea! You will most likely slap yourself with regret it in the morning. If you can’t say what is on your mind when you are sober, then it doesn’t need to be expressed, especially at odd late hours with various amounts of liquor ingested. If it is a bootie call your looking for, and unless you are seriously adult enough to handle the feelings the next day, I would not advise the subtext (or maybe the direct request) of sex. If you do partake, make sure to be safe! If you have a problem with either of the aforementioned, I encourage one of the various apps for drunken texting prevention. Seriously, honey… there IS an app for that! If you are quite app savvy and still manage to get around those apps, you need intervention, so give your phone to your best gal pal.
So there you go! Some pointers to make things a little easier. Friendly advice. Feel free to pass it along to those gial pals of yours that just don’t get it. We all have had made mistakes. Just take those lessons learned and move forward towards your success!! Now go get ‘em honey!!! Happy flirting!! Text Safe!!
This is my deal. I have known I have ADD for a long time. I tried to ignore it and deal with it on my own to no avail. I try to do way too much and I have way too much on my plate, But I just cannot stop. I expect a ton out of myself, because I know I have it within me to do it.
Frankly, I HAVE to do it. I have no help from my ex husband. I do not believe I ever will. It is up to me to provide for my children. I have a lot of time to make up for,. I have a whole lot of living to do! I also have to make a success out of myself if I ever want any type of security. I am aware that no one is going to come in and rescue me. Prince Charming doesn’t exist. And even if he did, I’m certain he doesn’t ride a white horse (or a white BMW for that matter).
So, I have come to the conclusion, if I want it done, I have to rely on myself. No one it is changing my situation except myself. So with work, kids, my family, my current relationship, the ex’s, bills, and uncontrolled hormones; the combo of it sometimes becomes a nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Creatively, I’m in the best place I have ever been. The kids are very happy and healthy. I have a relationship that is the best thing that has happened to us in a very long time. My work is rewarding and I am able to provide for myself and my kids. Overall I’m super happy, and realize that I’m extremely blessed. But I am human; I just get overwhelmed at times. I take it harder than others may because I feel I am a “over communicator”, yes that is a self diagnosis! I say everything I am feeling and tell it like it is. I’m always honest, I can’t keep things inside. I know how to express my emotions and feelings, and sometimes it all becomes too much.
Me, with my medical background, and being my own worst critique and because too many people have such a negative connotation of ADD; have been trying to deal with my issues on my own. I have realized that some point it becomes a true disability. I have fought a good battle, and weighed all the options.
Obviously my way wasn’t working, so I finally sought out treatment from a professional. The path to getting help has been an adventure on its own. Helpful doctors telling me: “you’re just overworked and have too much on your plate…” “All single moms have a lot going on maybe you just need to relax…” “You need to elevate some stress…” “Take time for yourself” “Find time to go run for an hour every day, because exercise is the best cure” … OH well…GEESH! Fucking THANK YOU!! Really??! Tell me something I don’t know! And exactly HOW with your PH.D. mind, am I supposed to add in more hours to the day?!!! I’M NOT STUPID! I just can’t do it all anymore!!! Stupid half answers like that are why I probably resisted treatment for as long as I did. This time it’s confirmed, no more self doubt or self diagnosis, and I feel a thousand times better knowing that I’m not shit assed crazy. Even though I haven’t started on the pharmaceutical path yet, I’m relieved to know that soon, this will all get better.
My hormones alone make me nuts. The ADD and my hormones combined make me over the top! I become nervous, I panic, I shake and I sweat. I can not cry, I bitch too much at my loved ones, and become the ultimate super bitch. I think too much and my brain just won’t shut up. I’m overly tired, yet can’t relax. I obsess over the stupidest things. It’s not pretty, and I’ve seen crazy ugly before. I have a feeling that a lot of this has to do with hormone imbalances, however, once again; I have yet to find a doctor that will confirm that I am going through menopause. It can and will happen to someone at any age. You do not have to be a certain age. Prolonged physiological stress can produce absolute havoc on your body and anyone can go through it.
Yall, all of my sanity had left the building this past month! I was literally waving the surrender flag! Aunt Flo was strategizing all out warfare on my body. Her hormone army was raging inside me. I was convinced that she would soon attempt the complete taken over. Aunt Flo is a rarity and makes a not-so fashionable appearance once every 3 to 4 months. (But obviously I’m not in menopause right??!) I never know what is coming. It could be no big deal or it could be the mighty Mississippi during flood season. At times I think I will rip off my shirt, not only from the night sweats but from pure rage, and turn into the female version of the incredible hulk! And my doctor says my hormones are normal?? HA! Let him spend 5 minutes with me… I dare him… I’m sure my family would find that confrontation a spectator event!
I was able to relatively control my ADD for a long time; however it has always been extremely hard for me to concentrate, and since my divorce, it has only been getting worse. Not only is it almost impossible to concentrate or be still, but I have serious panic issues. Those panic issues have everything to do with my ADD which also ties in for my need of control. I know that half my battle is that I expect perfection, mostly from myself. I don’t need any help beating myself up. I inflict more criticism on myself than is ever necessary. It’s a cycle; (and no it’s not a bipolar cycle!) I can’t concentrate, therefore I can’t complete tasks. Those incomplete tasks make me want to “fix” things, I’m highly creative, and have great ideas, but I never just cannot complete them, which in turn causes me to beat myself up internally. Then other helpful souls, obviously those without ADD; tell me how I’m doing things wrong. They say I need to “just prioritize my time”, to “leave sooner, or plan things out more”…. HELLO!! NOT HELPFUL! Really, those statements only add more stress! I really want to scream at them “I know I’m always late! I try and I honestly can’t help it!” Do you think you need to really point out the fact that I can’t get things accomplished??!! “NO! I CAN NOT EXPLAIN WHY IM DOING THINGS THIS WAY!” and “Yes I have a plan!” I’m sorry if you can’t grasp my vision!! “YES!! YOU ARE RIGHT! I NEED ORGANIZATION!!!!” Either help me or please just go AWAY! However, my brain stops my verbal diarrhea, as I have experienced what happens if I just allow it all to come out, it’s not pretty nor lady like, Hence, I bite the hell out of my tongue.
So here it all is… I hope now you will understand and bear with me. Again I apologize for my absenteeism. I’m a hot mess, and sometimes life gets the best of me, I refuse to elicit negativity so sometimes I just need to keep my thoughts contained. So if this is all a bit much, then hey… I’m only human. I’m saying it like it is, with all honesty. Typical me, I never promised polished, but I did promise real and often raw, mixed in with some (often hormone induced) sass.
A week ago today my sister died. She technically was my former sister in law. I knew her for 17 years. In many ways she was closer to me than my blood sister. During this process I received many comments and thoughtful prayers. I also received some comments that disturbed me. Such as … This isn’t your family anymore, why would you want to spend the money and go? Well, she really wasn’t your sister in law anymore, why can’t you just send flowers? Wait, wasn’t she your sister in law… why is this bothering you so much? Now that my head is out of the clouds I am beginning to think about, I am becoming more and more bothered by those questions. This is my stance and my thoughts.
Blood isn’t born. Blood doesn’t die or get divorced. Blood is by choice.
You choose your family, just as you choose your spouse. In this day and age it is more apparent than ever. With 50 % of all marriages end in divorce, we often choose our family and those friends that become our family. So when does your ex’s family become your ex-family? This question becomes even more complex when children are involved.
In my opinion people check out of relationships or maybe just don’t engage enough to begin with. I live full on and part of that is loving… full on, deeply and passionately. If that includes being hurt in the process, well than I would rather have loved and lost than missed out on the lessons those love have brought me. I am not the gal that will say, because I was hurt, I’m going to close myself off and not become engaged in another human being again. No, instead I dive full into what I believe. I say it how it is… that is me. When I love, I say it… and unfortunately, that often brings pain.
Sometimes I wonder if the pain isn’t somewhat of what makes love so grand. There have been times, with friends or lovers that I have often wondered if I was numb, because I just didn’t think I really felt the magnitude of my emotions. When it was over, the previous question often became answered. I have felt the extreme pain of lost love. It hurts to the bone. It paralyzes a human, but I got over it, life goes on. I know that with my marriage, it really didn’t hurt. Don’t get me wrong I was upset, but I really think it was for the wrong reasons. I was more embarrassed of the way it happened. I was upset that I knew that everything in my life was going to change. I was upset for the failure and that despite everything I had done, that I couldn’t make it work. You must also understand that my marriage was over long before it was officially over. We had major issues that were never resolved. In truth my marriage was over six years prior to its legal end. I had “checked out” long before and honestly, so had he. Obviously because he moved on and found another before we officially broke up. I don’t blame him for that. I actually thank him for having the courage to make that decision to leave. I am thankful of the ripples of change that have been created by the woman he chose to love. If she had not come into our lives, I would not be the woman I am today, in the place that I am, I wouldn’t have made the huge changes in my life that have allowed me to do what I am doing. You wouldn’t be reading this, as I wouldn’t have had the courage to embrace my desires and dreams.
Marriages fail, and ours wasn’t a good one. I wonder now, after having experienced deep, loving, grown up relationships; if we ever really had the emotion that is supposed to go along with marriage. We had major issues and grew apart; we stayed together in a loveless marriage, for the children. Hind sight is 20/20 and If I knew then what I know now, I would have let it go a long time ago. The work I put into trying to save something that seemed to be doomed from the beginning was just not worth it. Now, that I have felt the adult true love that I have needed and desire, well, this love… it feels right, it is patient and kind, it grows,it is giving unselfishly, and it is full, and is MORE than worth the risks.
Knowing that about my former marriage, I believe it shows that a marriage is more than the husband and wife. It is more than the children produced. It is the family that is created. That was my family for almost twenty years. I watched my sister in laws grow up, get married and have my wonderful nieces and nephews. I lived in their lives. I watched them grow as women and held them during the painful times. We experienced birth and death together. So how could I just forget those times because I am not married to their brother? Quite obviously I didn’t and I won’t.
This past week has shown me a few major things. It has been more than an eye opener. Life is precious, and makes no guarantees. My sister who died was 33. It was absolutely tragic and unexpected. She was a wonderful sweet woman who had so much to give. She shared my optimistic view on life and her spirit will continue to live on inside of me and those that loved her. I also realized that the family you choose either by birth or chosen blood is extremely important. Time must be invested and that family must become a priority. If it means taking the time to drive those 19 hours, I will do so, as often as I can. I will find the time and will make no excuses. I want my children to know my chosen family as they have that blood running through their veins. Our lives may be very different; however I will never shelter them from the life I previously lead and those that I still love.
I also realized that I absolutely made the right decision in leaving. If there ever was a doubt in my mind, this past weekend showed me that my choices have been right and the path that I’m on is the right one. Choosing to move forward in life and growing in love is right. Not only the love of myself, but learning the love of others. The type of love that only can be found by truly investing and engaging in all that the universe offers you. Embracing the love of yourself, your true deep emotions and the gift of the people around you. Growth and change is integral part of life, so is love and loss. I am overly glad that I have chosen to accept and embrace those changes.
I will use her radiance and move forward in her light. I will use her voice and unrelenting sprit that we share and let it shine brighter within me. Change is possible and anyone who desires it can change anything with the strength, determination and positivity that she portrayed. I will let her beautiful song be heard through my voice. When I need to feel her I will look at the sun and know she is shinning down upon me. She will never age, and will remain in all our minds as she was… beauty and love… defined.
Sing with the angels, and dance in the sky. I will have the peace that every time the wind blows a song in the air I will hear her loving words. In the wise words of my beautiful sister, a life lost way too early… “Keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away” ~ Nina
In peace and deep love…
Today my dog, my sweet sir bubba had to be put down. He was the sweetest boy is the whole world. English bulldogs just don’t live long.
I knew this day was coming, and I knew that I would have trouble with it, so I tried to ignore that it was coming. I am horrible about dealing with emotions. I’m great at stating what I want and communicating my wants and desires, but when it comes to letting go and letting myself feel emotional pain, grief, or loss… I fail, miserably. I become paralyzed with fear. I can’t think, I can’t move, it only gets worse if I’m around others, because I feel ashamed and it creates more panic. I am so tightly wound that I don’t feel that I can “let go”. I bottle things up, suck them up and move on. It’s what I do and I know it’s wrong. Before you comment that I need help, I’m already getting it. This is me trying to learn and teach myself that it’s ok to feel… To be completely honest with everything in my life. This is me… being me… and admitting full on that I’m terrified.
I know I need to stop fighting to keep the illusion for just one day so it doesn’t eventually break me. To let the walls crumble and fall for this day. Then before I put that big wall back up, because I know me, I will.., I need to take a good look at what is there. I need to spend some time doing more self-reflection, and self-examination. I need to understand more of why I believe I can’t be vulnerable. I think that this paralyzing fear comes from knowing that I’m alone. That I am doing this all on my own. I don’t feel like I anyone to catch me if I fall, and I’m terrified of falling. I have my family and I have friends, but at this time I don’t have “the person” that I can count on to catch me if I fall. I have the faith that I will. However, at this time, every person that I have been vulnerable around, is gone or can’t give me what I need. Harsh lesson… Hence big walls. Plus, I have been at the bottom and I never want to be there again. I work my ass off to push forward and to make myself a success, not for myself, but more for my kids. Looking back, I will admit that I have come a long way, but I know I still have a good size mountain in front of me. I continue to push on. It is what I do. I have big dreams, and I am attacking them head on, I will achieve them. I have that confidence, faith, and unending determination. Plus I’m seriously stubborn and more than a little hard headed.
I am going to attempt to feel this. To try to allow myself that feeling pain is ok, and hopefully it won’t throw me into a huge panic attack again. I’m going to take the whole weekend if I need to and maybe longer. I’m going to allow tears to spill, and let my kids cry and feel the loss of a great friend. I’m going to let them see that it is ok to be sad and to cry, so they don’t build walls as I do. I’m going to let all the emotion out that I have bottled up. I’m going to wrap myself tight with scarfs because as weird as that is, It is what calms me. (I promise to discuss that at another time.) When I’m done, I am confident that I will have a very different prospective on things around me… When I put the walls back up I’ll be able to adjust them so they fit the new me. Of course the new walls will be more elegant and sexy, because, hey, y’all… this is me. Those walls will be stronger but hopefully semi-permeable, so that all the amazing goodness that is happening in my life can seep through, and tears can seep out. Maybe just maybe, at some point those new walls with the semi-permeable structure, will eventually able to fall down for good.
Peace, Love, and Determination.
I am in control, constant control. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been in control except when I was delivering my children. The doctors were in control, but I was still telling them what I wanted done. Ugh, Typical me…
I crave the concept of someone taking charge. This is a new concept for me. I only just realized that I want to lose the control. I have also realized that I tend to end new relationships because I crave someone else being in control. I test the boundaries and when it is inevitability proven that they can’t portray the type of control I desire, I end things. This may sound harsh, and I admit, it is. I have examined myself enough to know this about myself.
I have never known how to surrender to anything. Surrendering is giving up control, it is scary, and this is something I have never been good at doing. I recently figured out what was the cause of my constant control. From an early age I coped with tension and negativity in my life by trying to imagine things to be different. I watched a lot of TV. This caused me a great deal of anxiety because living up to the “perfect” woman or family on TV is impossible. Everyone has faults; they just don’t talk about them. My efforts always wound up seeming fruitless, and I often felt that many things were out of my control, starting with my home life. My biological parents divorced when I was very young. My mother remarried but, my stepfather was very volatile and completely emotionally abusive to her and to me. He told me I was fat and ugly every day of my life for 14 years. The emotional strain was horrendous.
I wanted so badly for my mom to be happy and for her and my step father not to fight, yet it seemed to always be out of my control. No matter how much effort I put into not creating waves, nothing helped. The house was never clean enough, there was never enough money. I felt like I never did anything right. I never learned to relax. I felt like if I was constantly on some sort of emotional alert. I was anxious even in the peaceful moments because I always expected those quiet and happy times to be the calm before the storm.
School did nothing to help my fears. I moved schools a couple of times like most children of divorced parent do and never really fit in. I was an outcast, which caused severe anxiety. I didn’t have many friends and those I did were cruel to me. I accepted that behavior because I didn’t know anything different. I had serious self image issues because of the cruel words of my stepfather. During this time I made a promise to myself that I would grow up to be much different. I lived in a world of a perfect family as I had seen on TV. One day my life would be like those on television, and I would be able to control it to be just how I wanted. This mindset cultivated a extremely unhealthy image of normal life. The unobtainable image led to bad relationships, the “I can change him” mentality and eating disorders, I thought I could control my body and try to look the part, if nothing else.
Time eventually did heal some old wounds, and I stepped away from the bad body image for a while. High school wasn’t that bad. I made some good friends that some of which im still close to this day. I did however have “male issues”. Those never went away. I wanted so badly to be loved, which is normal. I was always the fun girl, never the girlfriend. Years later I got married, unfortunately, to the replica of my former step father. I really thought that once I had a husband, and home, and a job, all of my worries would be over, that I would have that life I grew up watching on television. That love conquered all, the perfect husband, the fairy tale ending and hoped the anxiety I had growing up would cease to exist. Nope.. He ended up having serious issues himself, which required me not to trust him. Thus I become totally in charge very early on in our marriage. I had to be in control of our home life, our finances, our children, our activities, everything. I hated it. I resented it. All the old issues returned… My ideal world was crushed. I lost all faith in everyone and everything. I lost myself, and I thought everything I saw was a lie. I found that my anxiety had stuck around, it never really disappeared.
Several years ago I slowly began to emerge from the coma that I had placed myself in. I woke up and realized that I was miserable and starting making changes. I still thought I could fix him, even through all the issues he had. It was a very co dependant relationship. It was toxic in every way it could have been. Ultimately, my marriage ended by no fault of my own. The end of my marriage was the best decision I never made. It forced me to start over, and I am determined to change everything I can about every aspect of my life. I realized my faults and issues, made peace with them and I work on those still every day. I became happy and learned to forgive those of my past. I live my life for me and my children and feel like I have a lifetime to make up for. I now live a life of no fear and no regret.
I have never enjoyed trying to control things, although I feel like I have to control everything. I truly want nothing more in life than to just let go, let things happen for what they are, to be carefree and trusting. I have just never been able to loosen my grasp. I see my control in every part of my life. I’m still in control, now more than ever. I have no one to back me up, no one to help me. I have to be the mother, the father, work full time, the disciplinarian, the teacher, the nurse, the friend, and the coach. It is the life a single mother. It is the hardest job I have ever had. There is a silver lining to this cloud, ITS MY LIFE!! I can make peanut butter and jelly for dinner. I can refuse to clean until I feel like it. I can decide not to get dressed, for the entire weekend. Sometimes it is pretty cool. But most of the time it’s exhausting. It doesn’t help that I’m a fixer. You have a problem? Give me a few minutes and I can solve it. Can’t find a job? I am your woman. Need psychological help? I will bring out all my psychological experience. Feeling sick?.. I’m your nurse. The trouble is, most of the time this is unsolicited, and I find myself trying to fix issues I have absolutely no business fixing. These aren’t my problems and, quite frankly, it is exhausting trying to fix other people’s lives while also finding time for my own issues. So I learned to be selfish.To shut my mouth and just focus on me. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means I care enough to believe someone else can solve their own problems without me. I fixed me, and think everyone is capable of fixing themselves as well. Sometimes it just takes tough love, and self discipline.
I hate when people telling me things would be okay. We all have these type of days..Even upbeat positive me. I personally feel people saying “it will be ok” is like a slap in the face, a falsehood, a dismissal of sorts. They may as well just say, get over it and stop whining. I would personally rather hear, “sorry, I can’t deal with your issues, I’ve got my own…” At least that is honest right? But here is the secret: Ready? Listen close.. Life makes no promises and no guarantees. The difference between someone who will constantly whine about how miserable they are and those who are successful is, realizing how utterly unrealistic it is to expect anyone but yourself to guarantee or imply that your future will turn out all right. You want success? Pull yourself up, put your sexy big girl panties and maybe some lipstick on, dry the tears and go out and get it for yourself. It is a huge waste of time to have self pity. Make those changes yourself! Be dependent on yourself! You can’t count on anyone for your own happiness. You must create and live your own happiness. It starts by learning and loving you.
So, this is my plan…my homework to myself…Starting today I vow to embrace the simplest things, like how to just enjoy a moment for what it is without worrying, to try not to over think things, to allow myself to trust more in others instead of panicking about everything that could go wrong and controlling them myself. I trust that someday I wont have to always be in control. That someday I will find a person who is confident and strong enough to be in charge, to have my back and to take care of me a little and put me in my place a little. I am choosing to trust. It is through letting go that I can finally bid farewell to my lifetime of anxiety and learn to see this life in a new light, one that isn’t controlled by me. It will be a life in which things I allow things to happen as they do and land just where they are meant to land. It will be a life in which I finally learn to surrender. To allow life to happen as the universe has planned for me. It’s only in surrendering that we can be peaceful and free. Im unsure how it will look or feel, but I have some ideas where to start.
I will tell you how it goes, follow my journey with me …